So much have i changed since the first time i got impaled into my heart. A change which i did not expect. I shant push the blame around to Li Rong or anything, because change is something that can be controlled.
The more I grow, the more storms that i have to pull through...the more my temper shortens, the higher the wall goes over my heart. I guess its cuz of insecurity?
I dunno, but one thing is for sure...i find that nowadays. I have slowly have got more sensitive to stupidity or childishness. I find it so much harder to accept failures...whenever there is a rotten tomato in the basket...i would wanna take it out and skin it alive...smash it till smithereens...following blend it in a blender till its pulp. Thats the feeling i get nowadays.
Yet it makes me sad. Hurting those who are around me. Every time my temper goes up, my heart aches even more. Given that i have planned something not for the sake of me, but for the community. My efforts seemed far from even appreciated. Sometimes...please understand...please please...i ain't any more free then anyone of you people. In fact my priorities weigh much more then you...I have my FYP which im totally pressured by 2 of the best game programmers in my course...and what seems to be hard work to me might just seem to be nothing to them...every single frame...every single animation....opacity...illustrated...glow effect...size...smoothness of the animation...anti aliasing...photo-shopping...programming is hard...art ain't much easier you know...
Now that my older bro is so far all the way at the big apple...i seem to have to be a good cousin...to be a good son...to be a good student...to be a good friend...to be a Mr Nice Guy in front of everybody...what you dont know is the tears i cry behind that mask of mine.
No doubt that im being throughly affected by Li Rong. She impaled my very last hope of what we called love. The very first time i was willing to dedicate all my heart and soul into making the girl i love happy. Wasn't enough i guess. Haiz...Edwin...im starting to hate that name. You've got a shining star within your grasp...are so blind to even see her shining bright? Im sorry...i still love you rong...=(
Given that...i am so disheartened when i see my cousin do immature actions. The actions of heck care...the actions of not wanting to do more. Trying to display that he is cool...when in fact the actions that he is doing are like of a gangster. I really dont want to see him go the wrong way. Pretty much is why im being so strict on him? Honestly this stresses me a hell lot also...i want him to have what i didnt have...yet i want him to understand the importance of what you have infront of you. Now he is obviously taking advantage of my weak uncle and very blurr aunt. He cant even name himself a proper english name. Grow up fast wei zhi...not everything in the world revolves around you...make the right decisions...be a good example for Yong Yong...im seriously trying my best to be a better example..
The house seems pretty empty now. Its just me, my mom & my maid. I can see that her any form of happiness would be to see her 2 sons be successful and happy in the future. Given daddy's situation...i doubt in any future...we will be complete again. Life goes on...my bones and flesh still come from the both of them...i have to respect both sides even though one is YING one is YANG....trying to be a good son...haix
FYP...is so screwed...pressure...everyday need to wake up(normal for everyone)...what makes it worse for me is that im working side by side with the most epic pros in game programming in my cohort...zzzz nuff said...teacher expects that much from me also....
I guess i have to rush through this post...i really need to work abit on my FYP before some destressing...
What i really wanna say is that im sorry if i have flared my temper on you...im really under alot of shit pressure....even if you dont see this...i hope you feel and you know im sorry.Its time to end it...i dont wanna be like my mom. I will show that, that wasnt the true me. I shall change...i will calm myself everytime...i will think about your feelings...but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE....understand me too...would you?
Wednesday, January 5, 2011 @ 9:37 PM
